New To Love Part 2

Wednesday night's class drags during the two hours. It's hard for me to concentrate on mylesson with Jesse in the room. I'm glad that he's here but I have to be on guard with my emotions. Nolove eyes sent his way and
I don't get near him when I'm standing beside his mother to help her with
the computer. He's been able to show his mom some of what I have been
teaching tonight. His face has also been guarding our secret well.

I'm often glancing at Jesse. He is a slim Indian with arms and legs
that seem a bit too long for him. You would under estimate his age by the
way he acts: shy, lots of energy though and a boyish high-pitched voice. I
love hearing him speak with his mom in their soft Indian language. He's in
a chair beside her at the end of my classroom. His attention is focused on
the computer she's working on. When asked by one of my students for some
help, he shies away, causing Mr. Swenson some embarrassment. The old man
mutters something under his breath. I rescue the situation by rushing to
the man's computer station to see what he's got hung up on.

There's another anxious moment when Jesse yells at his mom. She had
somehow exited MS-Word and lost the text she'd been working on up to this
point. That draws startled glances from the other students. I ignore his
outburst and help Mrs. Winnapah get back into Word and load tonight's
lesson. I fear that Jesse is going to get a yelling later on.

The clock finally reads 9pm. I have everyone shut down Windows and I
go around to make sure that all the monitors are off. Mrs. Winnapah waits
for me to erase the chalkboard. The lights are shut off and I lock the
classroom door. We leave the building and head for the parking lot. She
looks angry.

The woman makes quick strides to her truck. That gives me the chance to
whisper in Jesse's ear. "Tell your mom that you're sorry. Okay?" I hang
back and watch him catch up with her. They speak in Indian. I'm standing
by the passenger side door, waiting for them to settle it between them.

Mrs. Winnapah unlocks her door and Jesse gets in. He crawls over the
long seat to open my door. It's dead quiet inside; tense. She starts the
engine and puts her truck in gear. I pull Jesse's right leg against mine
so that he won't flinch when she stick shifts. No need to get his mother
angrier than what she already is.

I keep my eyes forward. Jesse presses against my side and it takes a
lot of self control not to look at him. I feel a tightness in my chest
and my breaths are quick and shallow. My heartbeat is booming in my ears.
It's difficult being this close to someone I love and not show it. I'm
glad to be holding his leg, a small embrace under the guise of giving his
mom access to the stick shift. I give his knee a fond squeeze. He turns to
me but I can't meet his eyes for fear of returning his loving gaze that
might be seen by his mother. His right arm rubs over mine in a return
gesture of how we're feeling.

Mrs. Winnapah concentrates on her driving. I feel the tension in her.
Should I say something about Jesse's behavior tonight? To assure her
that it wasn't that big a deal? I fear she may not allow her son to come
to class anymore and I'd miss losing those hours of seeing Jesse.

The silence becomes unbearable. I've been thinking over what happened
and I know what has upset his mom the most. Not only that Jesse yelled
but the whole class knew she had messed up her assignment. She lost face
in front of them.

I'm tapping on Jesse's knee to try warning him about what's coming.
"Do you know what you did wrong tonight, Jesse?" He turns his head at me.

"I said that I was sorry."

"That's good." Mrs. Winnapah concentrates on making a turn into my
trailer park. No reaction from her. I think she's still angry so an idea
comes to me to close the matter. I reach for Jesse's shoulder and squeeze
it hard. "You embarrassed your mother in front of the other students.
That's why she's angry with you."


"You're there to help her but not to scold. That's my job." I laugh.
Mrs. Winnapah releases a loud sigh. She glances at the both of us and I
feel the tension easing. "I'm willing to give Jesse another chance.
There's only three weeks left of class. You can keep coming to help your
mother but no more outbursts. Okay?"

"I promise! I'm really sorry, mom."

Mrs. Winnapah decides something. "No television for you tomorrow."

"Okay. Can I go over to Mike's place after school? That way, he can
tell you that I didn't watch any."

"I don't know, Jesse..."

The woman glances at me for my reaction. "I don't mind, Mrs. Winnapah.
Really. Ah, what time do you get out of school, Jesse?" He pauses a
moment before answering me.

"Four o'clock. My uncle picks me up but I could tell him to drop me
off at your place tomorrow. Can you show me how to use MS-Word so that I
can help my mom with it?"

"Yeah. Would you like me to come over tomorrow night to give you a
lesson, Mrs. Winnapah?" I notice that the truck has stopped. We've
reached my trailer.

"Let me think about it."

That probably means no. My head hangs. She notices my disappointment.

Mrs. Winnapah explains, "I've been trying to catch up with things at
work so I may not come home until late, Mike."

"I understand. It's difficult learning something when you're tired.
I've seen this in some of my students tonight." Has she caught my hint?

"The weekends would be better for a lesson, Mike. Probably on Sunday."

"That sounds good. Let me give you my telephone number." I'm reaching
into my satchel for pen and paper. I write down my information. "Ah, can
you give me your phone number, Mrs. Winnapah?" She does. I tear the sheet
in half, handing her the top part with my number.

"Good night. And thanks for the ride, Mrs. Winnapah." I pull on the
door handle and get out. Jesse waves at me through the window. I'm
waving back, watching their truck returning to the road that will lead
them out of the trailer park.

I'm closing my eyes for a moment. That had been tense. Did Jesse and I
manage to pull it off? No television for a day isn't bad. His mom may even
let him come over and spend time with me. That's no punishment at all, I
realize with a grin.

I enter my trailer and head for the bedroom. I'm feeling very tired.
My good clothes are stripped off. Naked, I get into bed. My body settles
down but I'm feeling the need to piss so I make my way to the bathroom.

After flushing the toilet, I notice my underwear on the sink. How did
that get there? I'd left my dirty clothes on the floor earlier when taking
a shower. Then it hits me. Jesse had been over this afternoon! My eyes
widen when recalling what happened.

I grab the underwear and check out its label. Size 26. These must be
his! I examine the front of them and feel a wet stain there. It's brought
to my nose for a sniff. Oh, Jesse...

My cock stiffens when remembering our embrace. His hands were pulling
over my backside while I felt his butt humping in my hands. And what that
led to. I look down at the floor. There's no sign of my underwear amongst
my shirt and pair of dirty jeans. He must have taken mine to wear in
place of his own.

I rush back into bed. My hard cock is pushed down between my thighs.
I'm turning onto my right side and press Jesse's wet underwear against
my nose. I imagine what it would have been like to hold him in my arms.
Naked. Our passionate kisses, hands feeling over humping butts while the
front of our bodies...

I wipe myself with Jesse's underwear to join my love seed with his.

I'm sleeping in late this morning. My clock reads 11:18am. I turn onto
my back and pull a pillow over my head to block the sunlight. I've nearly
fallen back to sleep when a car honks outside my window. Okay. I'm awake
now! I angrily sit up, yawn, and stretch my arms. I'm feeling the need to
go to the bathroom. That reminds me of what I'd done last night and a
smile comes to my lips. I find Jesse's underwear at the corner of my bed
and bring it to my face. They're smelling sweet.

I'm regretting yesterday, how close we came to our first loving embrace
and I blew it! Jesse wanted to. He was so turned on in my arms that his
dick came out. I'm holding his wet underwear. He's expressed his love for
me sexually while I held back, having to beat off last night to a mere
fantasy. My hands tighten with anger.

I breathe in slowly to calm myself. No. I'd done the right thing
yesterday. We've proclaimed our love but it must grow stronger in our
hearts. We need to get to know each other first before having sex. I want
to know if Jesse is the right guy for me and if he wants me beyond the
physical stuff. I have to remind myself that in spite of his age, he is
young in his head. Does he realize the difficulties we face by being
together? Can he love me in a mature way?

I'm glad that we'll have the chance to find out. But we must go slow,
keep it a secret until I can work everything out. There's no problems
legally. He's over eighteen and most states allow gay relationships.
Can you believe that sodomy was, until recently, against the law and
that you could go to jail if you're caught fucking a man?!

If we were to become a couple, the greatest challenge comes from
Jesse's Indian culture. They don't accept gay love. In the past, a man
had to cross-dress in his tribe to express a female spirit. I'm not a girl!
Lots of people think that's what gay guys are like, wearing outrageous
dresses, high-heeled shoes, earrings and Flaming. That's not me! Jesse
isn't that way either.

I am a man inside who is simply attracted to other men but people
can't accept that. That's why I have kept my feelings a secret. I've
avoided acknowledging my needs by getting wrapped up in my work. It's left
me feeling unhappy though. Finally, I did something about it. That's why
I've ended up here in Havre, Montana. To meet someone like Jesse.

He's not quite the Indian warrior I imagined falling in love with.
I'm attracted to a strong body, some hardness and manly pride. Jesse has
a kid's face and is young at heart. Maybe too young for what I'm looking
for but he can grow up. I can be his mentor. A sinking feeling comes to
my stomach. What are we going to do about his mother? She's been taking
care of him for all of his life. She understands her son's challenges and
is doing the best for him, such as placing Jesse in a 'special programs'
school where his developmental needs can be addressed. If our love is
discovered, he'd be put in the middle of wanting to be with me or staying
with his mom. I don't want him making that difficult choice.

Is Jesse's spirit strong enough? He acts like a kid but there are
moments when I see his maturity coming through. His mother commented
that he's opened up to me unlike anyone else she'd ever seen him with.
The key to that was simply love.

But can we keep it a secret? I've heard somewhere, probably read it in
a book that there are two things that can't be hidden from others: smoke in
the open bled and a man's love. I can guard my emotions. Most Indians do
that to the extreme but Jesse's face is very expressive. That's what I
love about him. He did manage to hide his love eyes from his mom during
dinner and at class last night but if his longing for me slips even once
in front of someone...

I jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. I'm sitting on the pot,
my favorite place to think. Hmm. I've only known Jesse for a few days
but look how far our love has come. It's too late to stop it now. If I
were to run away from the difficulties we face for my own sake, what
would happen to Jesse? He'd be crushed!

We're both new to love; inexperienced with what that is all about.
I do know that I like the way it makes me feel. I'm alive now, happy as a
human being should be by finding that missing half that completes me. Is
that going to be Jesse? I hope so. I want him to be the one.

After flushing the toilet, I pick up my dirty clothes from the floor.
My t-shirt is pulled over my head to keep the top half of me warm. I hold
up my jeans. They're too big for me now so I carry them to the kitchen and
toss them into the garbage can. I've bought some new clothes at Wal-Mart
yesterday. Two pairs of jeans, dress pants and underwear. All size 30.
That amazes me, how I've lost weight.

I've been hiking, horseback riding and exploring Montana these past
three months. The cold weather has taken a lot out of me. It's slimmed me
down. Fear grips my heart when I think about AIDS. No way! I can't be
infected because I'd never had sex with anyone. That's always a gay fear.
I'm sure that Jesse has never been with anyone so when we do make love,
it can be done naturally without the need for condoms.

I'm looking down at myself, twisting my waist to catch sight of my ass.
Jesse has seen it. I know he likes my body because it's hairy. I'm not a
bear like a lot of white guys. Most of it is on my back. My arms and legs
have some hair. Only soft patches on my chest. My butt is smooth but when
reaching down to my cheeks, I feel fine hair over my lower humps. A thrill
goes through me. Jesse has touched my butt. I've touched his. I wonder if
he'd give that part of himself to me in an act of ultimate gay expression.
I'd give myself to him. What does it feel like to fuck?

I pour myself a glass of cold water from the frig and drink it down.
That may help me lose my raging erection, not that I mind feeling excited.
I sit at the table. The ring is seen laying on it. My first impression is
that it's a beautiful thing. I look at the thick silver band and the black
stone that reminds of a tear. Running Water's grandfather had made it. He
actually crafted two rings. Ron's is the mate to Running Water's and I
realize something else. Could they have been marriage bands?

Why wasn't Ron wearing his when he died? In my trailer! That gives me
the creeps, especially after what Running Water and his grandfather said
about that man's spirit wanting me to find his ring. I'm not sure if I
believe them. It was only a lucky find. The tiny hairs lift at the back
of my neck. But what if they're right?

I'm badly startled when I hear my front door banging. I rush to the
window and peek out. It's Jesse!

I run to the door and open it. Jesse's eyes grow wide when he sees me,
reminding me that I'm not wearing anything down there. He rushes in, gives
me a hug that feels real good. My heart soars to be in his arms! I remember
to close the door with my foot before anyone sees us.

"Jesse..." I breathe against his left ear. My nose is tickled by his
long hair. I breathe in its smell. Something flowery from the shampoo he
uses. His face is pressed against my neck. A gentle kiss is given me that
brings tears to my eyes by his affection. He won't let me go. His long
arms are really squeezing me to show his love and I squeeze him back. I'm
rubbing his back. His body feels very slim in my hands; warm. I want this
moment to last forever.

Jesse lowers his hand to my butt. I'm gently pushing him away because
of what that may lead to. I did purchase a new package of underwear...
We slowly separate but his hands still cling to my arms. I reach up for
them so that we can hold hands. We are staring at each other, smiling and
smiling until it seems like my heart is going to burst!

"Do you always answer your door half-naked?" Jesse asks. His face is

I look down at myself and feel a burning to my face. "No. When I saw
you at the door, I forgot myself." Jesse giggles. He's staring at my cock.
"Ah. I should get some pants on."

"You don't have to, Mike. I like looking at you."

I laugh from nervousness. "Indian braves in the old days had gone about
half-naked. I liked looking at pictures of them in the books I read as a

"Silly! They covered the lower parts of their bodies with flaps and
didn't cover their chests. You have a shirt on." The garbage can catches
his eyes. One of my pant's legs is sticking out from it.

"I threw away my jeans because they've become too big for me."

"Can I have them?" Jesse asks.

"You already have my underwear!" I tease. Jesse looks down at himself
with a sly grin.

"You're wearing them?" He unbuttons his pants to show me. I see the
outline of his hard dick in the front of them. My underwear sags around
his slim waist. When it looks like he's going to pull them down, I rush to
button up his pants.

With downcast eyes Jesse asks, "Why don't you want to do anything with
me, Mike?"

My heart aches from longing. "I want to but... We should get to know
each other some more before we do." Jesse peers into my eyes with an
intensity that's hard for me to resist.

I reach for Jesse's hands again. "Love is much more than showing it
with our bodies." He looks down the front of me. "If we were to join
them, it becomes a kind of trap. What if I were a bad person, Jesse?
Yelling a lot or beating on you like some husbands do to their wives?
Your love for me would have you enduring all that pain."

Jesse closes his eyes. There's a tense expression on his face that
turns to anger.

"That's what my father did to mom."

I squeeze Jesse's hands with the hope that he'll tell me more. To let
all his bad feelings come out.

"He was mad at my mom because of me. How I turned out. It's my fault
that he left us!"

"No, Jesse! You shouldn't think that." In a low voice, "My parents also
divorced and I wondered if it was because of me. Something I had done.
Later, I learned that my father had been seeing another woman."

"It was because of me! I heard him say so!" Jesse shouts. He drops
to the floor like a broken doll.

Anguish fills me to see him in pain. I sit down close in front of him,
my left knee fitting between his folded legs. His shoulders are slumped,
face covered by his flowing hair. I think he's crying.

I reach for Jesse's shoulders. His long arms rush around my back. He's
clinging to me like a frightened child. I feel his chest heaving. No sobs
come out his mouth but he is crying really hard. Such woe in him. His
sadness is making me cry too.

Fear squeezes my heart. If Jesse can't cope with what happened to his
father, how will he endure losing me if our secret is discovered?

"No one will find out about us," whispers Jesse.

He is showing maturity by realizing that. "But it could happen," I warn
him. "Then you won't have anyone to cry with." I'd meant that as a joke.

"My therapist tries to make me do that. She's always asking how I'm
feeling about my father but I won't tell her. It's my pain! I don't have
to share it with anyone."

Jesse has, with me. We hug for a long while. My legs start to ache
from having fallen asleep. I'm ignoring the pain.

"I'm sorry for acting so dumb..."

"No! It's okay. Really." I get Jesse to his feet and he grabs my waist
when my numb legs has me staggering. We sit at the kitchen table together.

"Mike. What are you doing with Ron's ring?"

A cold shiver goes through me. He's staring down at it on the table.
"I found it in the trailer." He timidly picks it up, turning the band in
his fingers until seeing the black stone. He gives me fierce eyes. Almost
as if he's angry with me.

"You have to tell my uncle about this!"

"I already have." How does he know that this was Ron's ring? My stomach
feels like there are rocks in it when I realize something else. Did Jesse
know that they were a couple? I have to find out.

"Why did he let you keep the ring?"

I'm staring intently at Jesse to read his face when I tell him all about
it. My being brought to Chinook to see Running Water's grandfather. What
they said about Ron's spirit wanting me to have it (but not the reason why)
and I tell him how I found out that his uncle had switched rings.

"I can understand why he tried that," Jesse whispers.

"Tell me." Jesse looks right at me. An expression I've not seen from
him before.

"They were a couple... like we are. My uncle wanted to keep Ron's ring
to remember him by." His eyes take on a far away look. "You have it now.
He should give me the ring he wore so that we can walk in their footsteps."

I get an eerie feeling that Jesse has Seen something. Like what Indian
shamans can do. "Don't ask your uncle. I don't want him to know about us."

Jesse drops his eyes. "He can help. My mom is going to be a problem
for us getting together. She respects his judgment. My uncle could
convince her that it's okay for us to be a couple. Like it was with him
and Ron."

"Don't tell him!" Jesse's eyes flare but he nods his head. "Not yet,
anyway," I add to appease his anger.

I decide to reveal something else to Jesse. "After I noticed the
switch, he returned Ron's ring to me and told me that he loved him. He
even cried."

"Running Water really did that?"

I nod my head. "Jesse. How did you know that they were lovers?"
He breathes in deeply, releasing it through his nose while he considers
answering my question.

"I saw them doing it."

My eyes widen. I hope that Jesse will tell me all about it.

"Ron and him were good friends. We'd often drop by his trailer for a
visit after I got off from school. I liked talking with Ron and my uncle
cooked dinner for us. My mom worked late at her job back then."

We exchange grins.

"Last October, my uncle stopped letting me come with him to Ron's. He'd
take me right home after school but I suspected that he went over to see
him. I didn't know why they didn't want me over anymore."

I interrupt Jesse. "You didn't know they were gay then?"

"Not really. I was angry at my uncle for not letting me have dinner
with them and spending time at the trailer like I used to so one day, I
walked over to Ron's place after my uncle had dropped me off. The door
wasn't locked. It didn't even occur to me to knock because I'd been over
so often. It was like my second home.

"They didn't seem to be around. I knew they had to be because my
uncle's pickup was parked outside along with Ron's car. A blue Honda
Accord. Anyway, I went looking for them and heard moaning in the bedroom.
It was stupid of me but I went in. They were naked."

Jesse's eyes are aflame. A sharp tingling goes through my cock at the
thought of what he'd caught them doing together.

"Ron was laying over my uncle's back," Jesse adds.

"They were fucking?" I gasp. Jesse nods, his breaths are trembling.
Mine, too. We exchange knowing grins that gets me very excited. I think
he'd want to do that with me.

"When they saw me, I ran for the front door because I was afraid of
getting yelled at. They stopped me outside. Explained things and made me
swear not to tell anyone. And I never did. Until now."

I'm quickly nodding my head. That explains some things but I need to
know more about Ron. "Was he a white guy like me?"

"Yes. Lots of hair on his body."

That has me smiling. My expression turns dark when I ask, "How did Ron
die?" Jesse reveals fear in his eyes. I reach for his hand, the one
holding the ring and wait for him to answer me.

"They say he'd died in his sleep. A heart attack or something but Mike!
He was young. My uncle wouldn't ever talk about it but I knew there was
something going on that made him angry at the police."

"Did the police know about your uncle and him?"

"No way. He didn't even reclaim any of his belongings that were kept at
Ron's trailer. Some mechanic tools, the stereo they'd bought together and
his powwow drum. I knew that my uncle regretted losing that. After dinner,
I'd beat on that drum while the two of them chanted and sang."

Jesse is smiling. That must have been a happy memory for him. I wonder
why his uncle didn't go to the police to get his belongings. Oh. He must
have been scared they'd question his relationship with Ron. Learn that
they had been lovers.

"You don't want to wear his ring?" asks Jesse.

I stare at it. Even more now, I'm afraid to put it on my finger.

"You're not stealing from the dead, Mike, if that's what you're afraid
of or something..."

"Because Ron's spirit wanted me to have it?" Jesse nods. Anger fills me.
"I don't believe in ghosts!"

"I do, Mike." Jesse stares at the ring in his hand.

I release a sigh. Indian culture takes this subject very seriously. They
believe that one's spirit flies Above to the Sky People but can be Called
back down to answer a shaman's plea to do battle with evil spirits on his
behalf, aid in healing and to grant him visions. Ron was white though.

"He was adopted into our tribe."

I'm staring at Jesse. How did he know what I was thinking? This isn't
the first time that he's done it.

In a low voice, "My shaman told me that I'm special."

No. I don't believe what I'm hearing. Jesse can't read my thoughts!
I'm pulling my hand away but Jesse grabs it, slipping the ring on. My
right pointing finger. He peers at me for my reaction.

"Why are you not in school?" I ask in my attempt to change the subject.

"Oh. It's in-service day for the teachers so classes ended early. We
both forgot that it was today so I was given a ride home by Singing Hawk."

I suspect that Jesse is lying about him not remembering. By not telling
his uncle about it being in-service today, he can spend time with me until
his mom comes home from work. Both of them none the wiser.

The silver ring on my finger catches my eye. I really don't want to be
wearing it. I'm not Ron! Jesse looks at me. He sees my frown and when I'm
pulling the ring off, his brown hand wraps around my fingers to prevent me.

"Did your mom say that you can come over to see me?" Jesse drops his
eyes. He doesn't want to answer me.

"You should be getting on home then." My voice was a bit too stern.

"I'm old enough to do what I want, Mike."

I realize that but he should respect his mother's wishes. She's been
taking care of him. He doesn't act his age because of his handicaps. I've
seen his moments of maturity but he is still very much a boy needing to be
looked after.

"I don't want your mother to get mad at me," I explain. "When your
uncle discovers that school ended early today, he may go to your house.
When you're not there, he may come here..."

"Okay. I'll go."

It breaks my heart to see Jesse's face. I don't see anger, sadness,
fear or anything to let me know how he's feeling inside. He can become
very Indian when he needs to be.

We get up from the table and walk to the door. Jesse lifts his hand in
warning to remind me that I'm unfit to see him out. I had forgotten about
my nudity. The door closes behind him with a bang. My heart feels pained
by the way he left me. No hug, tender smile or even a 'goodbye'.

I'm feeling gloomy so I find retreat in my laptop. The telephone and
power cords snake across my bed to the floor. I log onto my email and check
for messages. Nothing new except for some span that I'm deleting. Dianne
has sent me another email with the subject line asking: 'Where are you?'.
I decide not to click on it.

I'm in the mood to check for any new Indian pictures posted with the
Yahoo! Group: 'LongHairedGayNativeAmericans'. I've downloaded lots of good
images from them in the past. I check on the latest postings but most are
repeats from what I've seen before. The Indian guys depicted are in their
thirties or older. I click on one that shows a cute guy standing in a
shower. His body is smooth and brown, slightly muscular with his hands
raised to grasp the shower curtain rod. His long black hair spills down to
his chest. I look at his face. Stoic. That's so typically Indian to hide
what he's feeling inside. My eyes drop to his big cock. At least that part
of him betrays his excitement.

I look at more images of nude Indian men. Great bodies! My cock rises
along my belly with lust. That's all these pictures inspire in me though.
I click on one image after another but they're all the same. No readable
expressions on their faces. Why can't they acknowledging their sexual
excitement, smiling or anything expectedly human? I click on another one.

It's an image of a guy cumming to his belly. White streaks cover his
dark body and his face does reveal something. He has his mouth open in an
exaggerated moan of ecstasy. Probably for our benefit. It doesn't look real.

A realization comes to me. Those men were modeling for pay. Their sexual
performance was for the camera, not with a lover so that's why there's no
human warmth seen on their faces.

I exit Yahoo! Groups with disappointment and disconnect from the
Internet. I used to enjoy lusting over those Indian men to get my cock
hard. None of them give rise to the strong emotions in my heart like what
I feel for Jesse. His expressive, smiling face...

An idea comes to me. I've secreted some illegal images on my laptop of
boys with cute smiling faces. I look around my bedroom before accessing
them on my computer. Silly of me. I'm alone so no one will catch me.

After performing several layers of decryption on a zip disguised as a
Windows system file, I run VuePrint. That's my favorite jpeg viewing
program. With only a press of the spacebar, I can see one image after the
other. I'm looking at little Indian boys on my screen. I found these on
newsgroups where pornography is readily available. I didn't risk using my
own computer to download them but paid for time at a cyber cafe with disks
in hand to transfer this illegal stuff to my laptop. They were zipped up
using multiple passwords and hidden on my laptop's hard drive.

The image: '10Hard.jpg' is displayed. It's of a naked Indian boy who's
ten years old. He's lying over a couch, sporting an erection but what
catches my eye is his cute face. He's smiling. I press the spacebar after
taking a good look at him.

The next image appears. Two Indian boys are beating off together. They
look like they're nearing puberty from the size of their dicks. No hair on
their groins yet. One boy lies on his back over the couch while his friend
(whose butt is nearly slipping from the cushion) is handling his friend's
erection for him. A cute scene. Neither looks like Jesse. They are smiling
at each other, a smug 'we are bad boys' expression on their brown faces.

I'm quickly looking through my collection. Many are so young. They're
performing all kinds of adult sex acts that kind of surprises me. Who had
taught them? Their bodies may be little and immature (I doubt any of them
can cum) yet their erections still feel good in each other's hand, mouth or
sticking into a butt. There's one image that shows an twelve year old kid
fucking an eight year old. Boy, that's unbelievable!

I come to the end of the slide show. A lot of cute expressions were
seen on those youth's faces but none that reminded me of Jesse. When
he's in my arms, I see longing in his eyes for me that makes my heart
ache. He really loves me! By acting younger than his age, he can be
expressive unlike the Indian men I've seen. He is real. A feeling human
being who isn't afraid to reveal his emotions to others.

Those unzipped images are deleted from my hard drive. My stiff cock is
revealed when I set my laptop aside. Pornography fills me with lust but it
cannot satisfy the needs of my heart. Only Jesse can.

I lazily stretch over my bed and enjoy my excitement. My cock is pushed
down between my thighs. I'm clutching my pillow as a substitute lover while
laying on my right side, feeling my building pleasure that explodes out of
me. I release a sigh of relief. Jesse's underwear is used to clean myself.
The good sensation after having sex fades away, leaving me feeling sad;
empty. I pull the blanket over my head and try going to sleep.

I watch television later in the evening after my nap. I'm constantly
looking at the clock but my telephone never rings. I was hoping that Mrs.
Winnapah would call, invite me over for dinner or something so that I can
see Jesse. I need to know if he's alright. He'd left my trailer this
afternoon in a huff.

I'm watching the news. A report about Indians grabs my attention. The
reporter interviews members from a group of Blackfoot blocking the
entrance to a mine. They're protesting the release of heavy metals into
the creeks and rivers where they fish for salmon. The mine's runoff has
been killing them. I doubt the U.S. Government will do anything about it.

The weather report comes on. A late winter storm threatens sleet and
even heavy snowfall. I glance at the clock. It reads 7:14pm. My heart
sinks. I don't think Mrs. Winnapah is going to be calling. After watching
some game shows until eight, I switch the T.V. off and climb into bed.

Late in the night, I hear rain falling against my window. My blanket is
drawn over my head and I return to sleep. Perhaps I'll dream about Jesse.

I'm awakened by the cold. It's 7:48am so I try returning to sleep. My
body is shivering. After a quick run to the bathroom, I pull on some
clothes and plug in a heater. This trailer's heating system doesn't work
so I'd purchased a few portable units in February to keep me warm. I'm
staring out my window. It's snowing outside. Spring comes late in northern
Montana though we've enjoyed some warm weeks recently. But snow in April?

After a while, the room turns comfortable so I go back to sleep.

I pour the last of my milk over a bowl of Cheerios. I'll have to go in
town to get more. Snow continues to fall. I don't look forward to riding
through that! I'll call Jesse's mother later to ask if she can drive me
to class.

I mope around my trailer all day, watch television, check on my email
(no new messages; it seems that Dianne has given up on me) and pass the
time by going through my few belongings. If I plan to stay in Havre past
summer, I should find an apartment to rent. This place is run down, cold
and I don't want to run into Ron's ghost!

There's a knock on my door at 5:30pm. Maybe it's Jesse! I have to pull
on my door a few times to open it. Ice breaks away from the other side and
I face Running Water. He scurries inside from the bitter cold.

"Hello, Mike."

"Hi." The Indian gives me a look that sends a shiver down my spine.

"I came over to see if you're alright."

For some reason, I don't think his concern is about the weather trapping
me inside my trailer.

"My aunt will be working late tonight. She won't be able to drive you in
time to make your class, if she can make it at all. I'll give you a ride."

"Thank you. I really appreciate that."

"We can run into town first if you need anything."

I'm nodding my head. "I need to buy some milk." Running Water gives me
that look. "Let me get ready for tonight." He waits in the kitchen.

I'm rushing around the bedroom to find everything that I'll need for
class. My satchel, a winter jacket and I look for a clean shirt to wear.
I've left some drying in the bathroom after hand washing them this
afternoon. That reminds me, I need to take a shower. I grab some pants. A
new pair of underwear is taken from the package I've purchased from
Wal-Mart. Some clean socks are added to the pile of clothes in my hands.

The water for my shower takes a long time to get warm. There must be
something wrong with the water heater but more likely, it's just the cold
weather. I step out of the stall. Running Water gasps. He's sitting on the
toilet with his pants pulled down to his feet. We both stare at each other.

"I didn't know you were in here," I mutter. I avert my eyes but I had
gotten a good look at the man's cock. He's seen every part of me. I grab
a towel and streak to my bedroom.

I'm gasping for breath. A smile comes to my lips from what's happened.
We'd seen each other naked. And both of us being gay, too. My towel is
brought up to my head to dry my hair. I'm toweling off the rest of my body
when there's a soft knock at the bedroom door.

Running Water has brought my clothes I'd left in the bathroom. My hands
are keeping my towel wrapped around me so I gesture for him to place them
on my bed. He strides in.

Some mischief comes into me when I expose my butt to the Indian. I've
turned away from him, drying the front part of my body. A sharp thrill
goes through me when he lingers in the room. My cock is stiffening. It
becomes awkward when I'm done drying myself off. He'll know that I am
putting on a show if I don't get dressed now.

I turn towards him and go to where my clothes have been placed on my
bed. We peer at each other. I see his dark eyes following my every move.
Sexual tension builds between us. With a casual tossing away of my towel,
I stand naked near the Indian while going through the pile of clothes to
find my underwear. Not too quickly. I'm sure that he's seen my erection.

"You look nice," breathes Running Water. He sits over the bed.

I flash the Indian an embarrassing grin. I'm startled when his hand is
felt over my butt. My body freezes up. I like the man touching me but this
is too sudden. We don't really know each other and I'm forgetting about
Jesse; our pledge of love to each other even though we've not had sex yet.
This man obviously wants to do something with me. His hands go to the
front of his pants. I avert my gaze so I'm not watching what he does.

My heart is pounding inside my chest. I'm panting for breath. When the
Indian manages to catch my eyes, I see their intensity. Such lust in them!
That frightens me real bad. I'm turning away from him, looking out the
open bedroom door when I consider running through it to escape.

I'm pulling up my underwear. My left foot gets caught and I'm falling to
the floor. Right on my butt! He rushes to me, offering me a hand up. We
look each other in the eye.

I see longing in this man. It's the same endearing expression that I've
seen on Jesse's face for me. I'm feeling excited and frightened at the
same time. My eyes fall to the revealing bulge in his pants. They sag
around his waist, unbuttoned and the fly has been zipped down. He pulls
them down to his ankles. The outline of his hard cock can be seen in his
underwear. I'm surprised that he's not pulling them down as well.

"Let me look at you, Mike."

I turn away. Brown hands grab for my waist and tug on my underwear. My
hard cock is caught in a fold so he reaches forward to pull on the elastic
band. They fall to my feet. I stand naked before this man, scolding myself
for allowing him to undress me.

I hear him pulling down his underwear behind me. My hips are grasps and
I'm pulled back into the man's lap. I feel his bodily warmth against me.
His cock sticks between my cheeks while mine stands tall against my belly.
I see his arm reaching around me. I'm grabbed!

I'm held mesmerized by his brown hand moving over my cock. It feels
good but I can't get myself off that way. His legs surge against my legs.
I'm feeling his wet knob against my asshole and it slips inside. Pain! I
rush to my feet, turn, and glare at the Indian for what he's tried to do
to me. I'm holding my aching butt.

Running Water drops his eyes in shame. He pulls up his underwear then
his pants. I watch him fastening them. He gets off my bed and heads towards
the door.

"I don't know what you want, Mike."

The Indian glares back at me. I rush to pull up my underwear after he
leaves the room. His hopes were obviously dashed.

I'm left feeling many conflicting emotions: embarrassment, regret for
having led him on but too, I am feeling much relief. He wanted to fuck me!

I get dressed. Running Water is waiting by the front door and when he
sees me, he goes outside, almost running to his pickup while minding his
steps over the frozen pavement. I get into his truck. We don't look at each
other. He starts the engine and we're off.

When we get into town, Running Water stops at a gas station. They have
a convenience store so I go in to buy milk. He comes in to pay for the
gas. We go out separately but meet back at his truck.

While he drives, the silence between us becomes unbearable. I need to
talk with him, explain things to salvage our friendship. He's obviously
regretting what happened in my bedroom. Me too.

I see a McDonald's and ask Running Water if we can stop there. I've
only had that bowl of cereal to eat this morning. He pulls in. Parks. When
he doesn't open his door to get out, I turn to him.

"I shouldn't have rushed you, Mike. Are you angry with me?"

"No. It was my fault. I led you into believing that we... I mean, for us
to. You know." The Indian's tense face lightens up. He looks at me in a
peculiar way. I'm feeling undressed by his eyes.

"You've not ever been with a..."

"No." Running Water goes deep into thought. He takes a deep breath and

"My grandfather told me that I would find another man. He said that the
ring you are wearing was a sign."

"A sign for what?" I ask with my voice trembling.

"He said: 'Ah-ee-ne has chosen Mike to walk in his footsteps.'"

Jesse has told me something similar! but with his uncle's ring going
to him while I wear Ron's ring. We would walk in their footsteps. My eyes
widen from revelation. I'm bursting to share what I know with Running Water
but that would give our secret away.

I glance at my watch. I didn't note the time because I'm so nervous.
Running Water opens his door and gets out. We enter McDonald's. He doesn't
want me to order anything for him. I'm hungry so I get the 'Big and Tasty'
combo meal.

Running Water is sitting in a corner of the restaurant away from
everyone else. I sit down opposite him. He looks down at my food. I tear
into my hamburger and to my surprise, see him taking some of my French
fries. I gesture that he can have some more.

We eat in silence. Often, Running Water catches my eyes but he hesitates
from speaking. I see his yearning for me, to fulfill what he thinks his
grandfather Saw about the ring being a sign for us getting together. I
know the truth but I'm afraid to reveal it to him.

After we're done eating, I take a look at my watch. It's 6:30pm. My
class begins in half an hour but we're close to the college. I want to
spend that time talking with Running Water. To ease his heart away from me.

"Mike. Have you left someone behind in Indianapolis?"

I shake my head slightly in reply. He's initiated the conversation.

"Have you found someone here?" he asks in a lower voice.

Fear clutches my heart because I don't want him to find out about me
and Jesse! I'm trying to keep my face from revealing anything. I think he
suspects something so I should try to show some interest in him. I'm hating
myself for considering that but it's the only way.

"I ah, shouldn't have asked, Mike."

"No. You have to. Otherwise how can you find out? It's hard being...
who we are. Especially in a small town." I shut my mouth.

"You are very attractive, Mike. I couldn't help myself in your bedroom
when I saw you in the nude. I thought you wanted me to touch your butt."
He looks around to see if anyone has heard him.

I'm surprised that Running Water can speak about this so easily. Then I
remember. He's had a lover before. This man is more experienced when it
comes to being gay so that explains why he rushed having sex with me. No
consideration in trying to win my heart first?

"I haven't been with anyone after... him. I'm aching inside for you,
Mike. Is there even a chance for us?"

Running Water's eyes look fierce. I know how he's feeling because I'm
burning for Jesse in the same way but we've gotten to know each other
first. We have proclaimed our love. Kissed. We'll express our hearts by
having sex when the right moment comes. Sometime soon, I think.

I'm feeling badly for Running Water. He doesn't realize that there's no
chance for us. The man drops his eyes with his hopes dashed. My silence
has spoken for me. I need to say something to explain my rejection. A
gentle way of letting him down.

"You were the first Indian who befriended me, Running Water." I see the
man's eyes light up so I quickly add, "I value your friendship but I don't
think it will become anything more than that." There. I've said it.

"Are you sure, Mike? I know you don't believe that my lover chose you to
find his ring but my grandfather has the Sight. He's interpreted what you
told him about your dream and when you spoke Ron's given Indian name..."

I'm staring at the empty French fries box. My lips are pressed tightly
together to prevent me from speaking. Running Water's shoulders slump.
He seems to have given up trying to convince me. I'm feeling a deep sense
of relief.

I grab the tray and empty it in the garbage can. We walk back to his
pickup truck. It's begun to snow again.

Only five of my students braved the icy roads to attend class tonight.
Mrs. Winnapah is not amongst them. I decide to review my past lessons in
MS-Word because teaching anything new tonight will only be repeated on
Monday. I'm often looking at the clock, hoping that Jesse and his mom are
just being late but they never do arrive.

While I'm erasing the black board, fear creeps into my heart. Could
Jesse's mom have found out about us! Is that why she's not come to class?
I lock the classroom door. Running Water has been waiting for me down the
hall. We walk out to the parking lot.

It's freezing outside. When I get into the Indian's pickup, it's cold,
as if he's had it parked here during the two hours while I was teaching.
Was he sitting in his truck all this time? I hope not. The hallway outside
my classroom would have been warmer.

He carefully navigates the icy roads. I'm wearing a seatbelt. We've not
spoken a word but his eyes often come to me with his obvious desire to
talk. I have to admit my attraction to him. He's a good looking Indian and
if Jesse hadn't taken my heart first, something might have happened
between him and me. I just don't know.

Running Water parks in front of my trailer. He shuts the engine off.

"Can I come in for a cup of coffee?" he asks.

I nod my head, getting out of his truck with the gallon of milk in my
hand. He follows close on my steps. It's cold inside my trailer. I plug in
the portable heater then prepare coffee for us. I feel his eyes on my back.
He tries making eye contact with me whenever I'm looking in his direction.
His interest in me gives me a swift erection. I see the outline of his cock
in his jeans when handing him a cup of coffee.

"I've heard some things about you from my friends," the man whispers.

Fear rises in my chest. "What things?"

Running Water frowns. "You were seen wandering around the reservation,
trying to strike up conversation with everyone in sight. Especially in
that little bar where a lot of us hang. Cloud Under Eagle figured you out
real quick. He told me, 'That white guy is hungry for an Indian man.'".

"Really? He said that!" I ask with growing alarm.

Running Water nods. "But he says that about all white guys who wander
into our bar." A smile creeps onto his lips.

I'm feeling relieved. I stare at Running Water to read his face. Is he
trying to pull my leg?

"I'm one of the few gay Indians that you'll find in these parts, Mike."

Our eyes meet. I have to look away before things get out of hand. "Ah.
Do your friends know about you?"

"It's not talked about. My grandfather is shaman of our tribe so no
one will say a bad word in my direction."

I sip coffee from my mug. Silence grows between us. He's been trying to
catch my eyes again but I won't let him.

"Don't be scared of me, Mike. I want you. And I think you want to be with
me so let it happen. Please."

The man's intensity is hard to ignore. I see the longing on his face and
feel my resistance crumbling. He's nothing like those computer images of
Indians whom I've lusted over. Running Water is a real. He shows emotions.
I'm being drawn to him over the warning from my heart.

Running Water gets up from the table and pulls off his shirt. I look
over his dark slim body. There are tattoos of Indian design covering his
chest. He slowly turns around. A blue inked eagle is seen above his left
shoulder blade. I watch his hands loosen his jeans and they fall down at
his ankles. His butt is outlined by his shorts. I get to see it when he
pulls them down too. His brown cheeks are smooth but rather lean.

My cock throbs. I'm feeling very excited and when the Indian turns to
me, I see his cock. It's long and stiff. His oozing knob sticks out from
its foreskin. I fold my hands in my lap to deny my excitement.

Running Water looks down at himself with pride. I'm staring at his nude
body, feeling a sharp lust for it. The Indian reaches his hand out to me.
When I remain seated at the table, he comes to me. His left hand gently
gets me to stand up next to him. He loosens my tie and unbuttons my shirt.
His warm brown hands are massaging my shoulders but they soon fall to my
chest. I hear the man sigh.

"Hair. I like that," breathes Running Water.

I know that Jesse likes that about me too. He seems far away, our love
only the promise of what could be while this is a real man in front of me.
He wants me bad.

Running Water unbuckles my belt. He fumbles with the fastening to my
pants and zips me down. I close my eyes. His firm hands pull them down
along with my underwear. The cold air assaults my nakedness.

My shoes are being untied. He gentle pulls them off. I peek down at
the Indian to see him removing his shoes. Then he's slowly rising, face
roaming close to my body as if sniffing my scent. His lips come to my
cock. It's tenderly kissed and I gasp sharply when he slips it in his
mouth. The sensation of getting sucked is very intense. I'm squirming in
his hands that have slipped around for my butt. He's pulling over it.

The Indian has swallowed my all. I watch his head bobbing up and down.
His long hair dances about his shoulders. His nose presses into my groin.
I'm feeling his slippery tongue swirling around my knob, an intense
sensation that's hard to endure.

"Too ticklish!" I gasp. Running Water pulls his mouth from my groin. He
peers up at me with a fierce expression on his face. He stands up, turns,
and reaches back to pull on my hips. My cock bends down into the crack of
his butt. Does he want me to fuck him?

My breath trembles with lust. I hear the Indian spitting to his hand and
he reaches back for my hard cock, directing it deeper into his butt until
my knob presses against his hole. He arches his back. I'm slipping into him
with an ease that surprises me.

Our bodies come together, pale on brown. There's a thrilling push into
his butt that takes my breath away. My groin hair crunches against his
cheeks. I'm inside him. I've fantasized about an Indian warrior raping me
but I never considered doing his butt. My lust has me considering it and
that drives away all the concerns screaming in my head. His hands pull
over my hips. My stab is forced through his tight slimy warmth.

I shyly reach for the Indian's hips. My cock slips deeper through his
asshole. It's really tight. He's getting his butt to squeeze me and the
sensation is tremendous! So. This is fucking. I'm not able to get myself
to release in hand or from getting sucked but sticking a man's butt might.
The sensation is similar to beating off between my thighs.

The Indian's hands reach back for my butt. He makes strong pulls there
to get me fucking him. A sexy rhythmic beat. He's moaning, enduring my
careful stabs that become more confident. I watch my long cock sticking in
and out of his brown butt. I'm enjoying the sharp building thrills.

Pride fills me. I'm acting as a man by mounting another man. I want to
conquer this Indian warrior but then my heart cries out. What we're doing
is wrong!

I'm struggling to free myself of lust's hold over me, both physically
and mentally. Jesse's loving smile fills my inner Sight and that gives me
the strength I've been lacking. I push on the man's lower back. Slip my
cock out of him. He waits for me to stick in again but I remain frozen in
place. My aching cock is only inches from his butt that wants to fuck it.

I'm coming to my senses. This is risky sex, especially since another
white guy has fucked Running Water. Ron could have had AIDS. I'd be giving
that to Jesse that would result in both our horrible deaths!

"I can't do it." Running Water turns around to face me. There's such a
fierce look in his eyes. I think he's very angry with me. He releases a
loud sigh and I see him frown with disappointment. I'm feeling stupid.

The Indian attacks me! I flinch when his arms snake around my back,
hands locking there. Oh. He only wants to hug me. I release my held breath
but gasp when our cocks are mashed together. There's flame in the Indian's
dark eyes when he stabs against me. It feels good. Yet I'm scolding myself.
Why have I allowed this man to have his way with me?

Guilt squeezes my heart when I remember my love for Jesse.

"Please stop!" Running Water ignores my plea, so intent he is to get
off from our belly rub. I've had my hands at my side but lift them now,
pushing on his shoulders to try separating our bodies. His grip tightens,
one hand firmly planted over my back while he pulls over my ass. I'm
feeling his urgent stabs. My cock wants to do battle with his but my heart
cries out. I don't want to make love to this man!

"Almost..." warns Running Water.

I'll endure his savage use of my body for a while longer knowing that
he'll let me go afterwards. A part of me enjoys his sexual embrace: how
he's pulling over my butt and grinding our swollen cocks together, that
sensual rubbing of our chests. That's the lust in me speaking. I'm
struggling to listen to my heart.

Running Water release a low throaty moan. I feel a liquid warmth on my
belly and realize that he's cumming. He becomes very passionate. Face
pressed into my neck, kissing me while both his hands are gripping my ass.
Harsh upward pulls. My hands have been pushing against his shoulders. He
breathes in, loosening his hands around me so that I can get away. I'm
stepping back from him.

The Indian looks at my face to read me. I'm feeling embarrassed, shamed
for letting it get this far. Much regret in me too. I think he sees this.
The man frowns, his eyes lowering when he becomes ashamed of what he's done.
It was not a loving act.

We both see the result of his lust that's been spilt from him. It covers
my belly. I should be angry but I'm feeling thrilled that he did that,
like when Jesse wet his pants when in my arms. This is different! I'm not
feeling any love for this man. He only wanted me for sex.

"I shouldn't have let you..." The remaining words remain stuck in my
mouth. Running Water is already feeling bad enough. I see the ring on my
finger and reach down for it, angrily pulling it off. I stick it against
the palm of his right hand. "I don't want it! This was your lover's."

His brown fingers close around the ring. He peers up at me with a
haunted look in his eyes. I'm feeling his anguish.

"I know that you aren't Ron," he explains, "but try to understand that
this was meant to happen. My grandfather Saw it."

"I'm not an Indian! I don't believe in such things." The man flinches as
if I'd struck him. That was terrible of me to say. A lie. I've lashed out
in anger but also to hide what I know to be true. Jesse has revealed it
to me. We were meant to walk in their footsteps; not to replace Ron.

Without any further words, Running Water puts his clothes back on. I
stand over him with tight fists. He peers at me with seeking eyes that are
filled with much regret. My anger softens a little.

"It was my fault that I allowed this to happen. I was feeling too good."
Hope shines in the man's eyes. "It won't happen again."

"You don't feel anything for me in your heart, Mike?"

"How can I? You just wanted sex from me. Is this what you got from Ron?"
I'm regretting my last words, realizing that was my anger speaking.

"I didn't mean to say that, Running Water. I'm sorry. But I know what
love feels like and you seem to have forgotten that." Tears sting my eyes.

"I didn't know," whispers Running Water.

My eyes are swimming with tears when I look at his face to read what he
meant by those words.

"You are already in love with someone."

My eyes drop to the floor. Does he suspect who that is? My shoulders
are grasped, forcing me to look up at him.

"Calm yourself, Mike. It pains my heart to see your tears."

The Indian's soft voice is soothing. I wipe an arm across my wet face
and try to be strong.

"That's better. Remember. You are a man and must act like one."

I put on a brave face. Inside, my feelings are in turmoil.

"I am going now." Running Water walks to the door and turns. "When you
are ready, we'll talk. As friends. I can offer you advice about that man
who has taken your heart so you won't make the same mistakes I had. He is
very lucky to have you, Mike."

I see Running Water's feigned grin. The door opens and he is gone. I'm
breathing a sigh of relief. My nose fills with the strong odor of his cum.
I look down at myself. Thick white streaks are running down my belly. It
catches in my groin hair. My heart pains me because I've betrayed Jesse!
I'm feeling dirty; used. I head for the bathroom to take a shower.

I lay in bed thinking about what happened. It was all my fault! I
shouldn't have let him undress me because that led to us... I'm trying not
to think about it. I've hurt him. Badly. If Jesse hadn't taken my heart,
I could have fallen for that Indian man. He is so lustful. Powerful! Yet
what about our hearts? I don't feel anything strong in mine for him. We
don't really know each other. That's why it's wrong to have sex before
knowing, really knowing when you're meant to be with someone.

Tears fill my eyes. I'm very ashamed of myself. How easily I had cast
aside Jesse's love for me to have sex with Running Water. That's what
pains me the most.

Fear clutches my heart. What will Running Water do if he finds out that
the man I'm in love with his Jesse? He'll likely be that much harsher
towards me for having rejected him. I can't talk with him about it! His
offer to help had felt sincere. Oh, I don't know what I'll do so I must
avoid seeing him again.

I force myself to stop thinking about it. What's done is done. My heart
is set on Jesse and I must honor my commitment to him.

Eventually, I fall into a troubled asleep.

I'm awakened by the wind howling outside my window. I am cold, alone
and feeling miserable. Perhaps I should leave Havre. That would solve a
lot of problems. Jesse would get over me and no one will ever learn what's
happened between us. I won't return to my old life though. I've freed
myself from it and will seek love somewhere else. This is a big country.
I can make a fresh start with the lessons that I've learned here.

My telephone rings. A quick glance at my clock shows that it's 9:48am.
I streak from my bed to pick it up.


"Mike?" asks a woman.


"Did I wake you?" asks Mrs. Winnapah.

"No. It's alright. I missed seeing you and Jesse in class."

"I had to work late and the roads were terrible! That's why I asked my
nephew to give you a ride."

"Thank you for that." A frown crosses my lips. She has no idea what that
had cost me.

"I'm calling to ask if you would like to come over for dinner tonight?"

My heart leaps into my throat. Jesse! I've almost dropped the phone
but quickly answer her, "Yes. I'd like that. I'll bring my laptop over and
work with Jesse." There's a pause.

"He's not feeling well, Mike."

Anguish squeezes my heart. Fear. That's why I didn't seem them in class!
"What's wrong with Jesse?" I ask with my voice trembling.

"He is very sad," answers Mrs. Winnapah. "I've not seen him like this
for a long time. If you come over tonight..."

"I can bring him out of it. I know it!"

"Ah. Hmm. Yes. I'll pick you up after I get off from work."

She works on Saturdays too? "When will that be?" She was talking again
but I missed it by my interruption.

"Sometime after six-thirty. It may be a bit later than that if I have
to work late."

An idea comes to me. "Can I go over to your house now and check on
Jesse?" There's a pause on the line.

"That's not a good idea. You won't be able to get in."

"Why? Isn't Jesse home now?"

"Yes. But I don't think he'll answer the door. He is deep inside
himself, Mike. Like what I warned you about. I've tried to snap him out of
it but he won't respond."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Winnapah!" This is all my fault. I knew that Jesse
had left me on Thursday with a sore heart.

"I'll pick you up and we'll have dinner. Perhaps you can give me a
lesson since I've missed a class."

"Okay. I'll expect you after 6:30."

"Goodbye, Mike. And thanks."

The line is disconnected. I place the phone in its cradle and wrap my
arms around myself. I'm feeling very cold. Not because of the weather
outside. I have to see Jesse! Help him snap out of his sadness.

I switch on the heater. I'm racing to get my satchel from the kitchen
and I dig in it for that piece of paper with Mrs. Winnapah's telephone
number. I dial it. It rings and rings. I cradle the phone with a bad
feeling in my heart. Another idea comes to me. I get the number to Roy's
Motorcycles from 411. I'm dialing it, hoping that Running Water is there.
He must have a key to their door! Pete answers. I quickly hang up when
changing my mind at the last moment.

What would I tell Running Water? He'd figure it out if I ask him to
take me over to see Jesse. It's frustrating! I need to see him but we risk
being discovered. I'm reminded about what happened between his uncle and
me last night. I shouldn't see him for that reason also.

I'm pacing the trailer while deep in thought. The heater had been left
on in the kitchen since last night. I walk back and forth between the two
warm rooms, wrapping my arms around myself in the hallway between. I'm too
upset to lay in bed. The wind is howling outside. It's snowing hard. No
way for me to ride my bike over to Jesse's because of the dangerous
roads. I could walk. No. Even after braving the bitter cold, his mother
said that he wouldn't answer the door.

A darker thought comes to me. I hate to consider it but I'm feeling
really depressed. What if I were to just run away? Leave Havre behind me
to spare us both the difficult challenges ahead. My heart aches me. I
can't leave Jesse now!

There's nothing I can do but wait. Mrs. Winnapah said that she'll pick
me after six-thirty. That's the best way to proceed. It aches my heart
that Jesse is feeling sad. It's all my fault!

I return to my bedroom and get some clothes on. The heater is switched
off. I spot Jesse's underwear at the edge of my bed. I'm reaching for it,
pressing this part of Jesse against my breast. They feel cold and clammy
in my hands. A poor substitute for him. Oh, how I'm aching to hold my

I wander back to the kitchen. My good clothes from last night are found
on the floor. I fold them before placing them over the chair. Tears sting
my eyes. I angrily wipe them away. Running Water is right - I need to act
strong like a man.

I settle down to watch some television. The clock reads 10:08am.
After flipping through the channels with nothing good to watch, the clock
mocks me with its red glowing digits - 10:16am. This is going to be the
longest day of my life!

There's a knock on my door. I'm filled with much trepidation. If it's
Running Water, I cannot ask him to take me over Jesse's as much as I'd
want him to. The door is stuck with ice and has to be forced open. It's
Mr. Augusten. I'd helped him foundate his battered trailer last week. I
invite the man in.

"Pretty bad weather," comments Mr. Augusten. He stomps his feet on the
mat before coming inside.

"Best to stay home and weather it." The man takes a quick look around.
"What brings you over?" I ask.

"Need some help."

I look at the elderly man and wait for him to tell me what that is. He
is white, in his sixties and from his drawl in speech, has me guessing
that he comes from the South. I figured that out the last time we met.

"Pretty warm in here." He eyes the portable heater in the kitchen.

I've seen what his eyes have fallen on. "I also have one in my bedroom.
This old trailer I'm renting doesn't have a working heater system."

"You're renting it?" asks Mr. Augusten. He looks around again.

I'm tempted to match his accent by saying 'yup' but I nod my head

"You were very handy with helping set my trailer down. Thought you were
traveling the road like us."

"What can I help you with?" I ask impatiently.

"Well, the Misses is getting cold because the heat isn't working in our
trailer. I told her it is but she says it's too weak to even warm her nose
due to the weather, and all."

"Why don't you borrow mine?"

"That's mite kind of you, Mike. Are you sure you won't be left in the

"No. I have another one in my bedroom so I'll manage. Just me here."

"My wife would sure appreciate it. Come on over for lunch. That's the
least we can do to thank you."

"Okay. Let me get the one from my bedroom. It's been switched off so I
can carry it over to your trailer right now."

Mrs. Augusten is beaming. She has set a spread of food on her table and
my heater has sure helped raise her spirits. We sit down and eat lunch.
Mr. Augusten likes to talk. He's telling me about their travels in Canada,
even during the winter that puts our storm to shame. His wife is always
interjecting corrections to what he says or adds a comment. I see their
obvious love for each other even after all these years of being together.
I wonder if gay relationships can be as resilient.

After eating, I sit in an old reclining chair (that squeaks when I rock)
and get my ears filled with more stories from the old man. His wife is
cleaning up in the kitchen. I've had a chance to look around their trailer.
It's cluttered with nick-knacks from their travels. A plaque on the wall
below their clock reads: 'We're spending our children's inheritance'.
Funny, that.

Mrs. Augusten shouts from the kitchen. "The sink water ain't running

Her husband flashes me a weary smile and goes to check on it. I look at
the clock. It's almost noon. Still more than six hours before I can see
Jesse. I'm feeling a pang of loneliness. I realize that this has been the
longest that we've not seen each other. Two whole days!

Mr. Augusten returns.

"The water is running slow again," he explains. "Had that since a few
years back when we were bumped in Washington State."

"It was in Utah," corrects Mrs. Augusten. She had followed her husband
into the room. "You backed into a tree in Manti four years ago."

Mr. Augusten doesn't bat an eye. I suppose he's used to his wife
correcting him and chooses to ignore it.

"Mike. Do you know anything about water lines in a trailer?"

"I'm afraid I don't but I'll take a look."

Two hours later, we have to admit defeat. Mr. Augusten traced the lines
back to the intake but they didn't appear to be clogged. The bathroom water
runs fine. It's the kitchen faucet that runs but a trickle.

"It could be the water pump," I suggest. "Your kitchen is furthest from
your reservoir so it's either that or a plug in the line somewhere in
between. I'm sure the park manager would be more helpful."

"I thank yeh for trying."

I'm surprised that Mr. Augusten hasn't thought to ask the manager.
Perhaps he doesn't have enough money to pay him. A funny thought strikes
me. They could raise cash from selling all the stuff they've accumulated
during their travels. Sure would save on gas when they're back on the road.

"We'll get the heater back to you when the weather warms up. Again,
thanks for loaning it to the Misses."

Mr. Augusten walks me back to my trailer in the snowstorm. He didn't
have to do that. I'm approaching my door and offer him to come inside for
a cup of coffee. He declines. That's when I notice that he's carrying
something under his left arm. He offers it to me.

"A tarp to cover your motorcycle," explains Mr. Augusten.

"Thank you." I walk along the side of my trailer to my bike. It's
covered in a thick layer of snow. I wipe it away and Mr. Augusten helps me
drape the tarp over it.

"If you take care of your transportation, it will take care of you."

Good advice. How could I have forgotten about looking after my bike?

I'm thanking Mr. Augusten again for his thoughtful gift. He may be poor
money wise, but he's very rich in heart. I decide to ask him how things are
really faring for him and his wife.

"Not too badly," he answers in a strong voice. "Well. You've probably
figured right off that we're going to be stuck in Havre for a spell. One of
our kids may help us out. Been asking that often of them these past years
though. They have their own families to look after."

"Why don't you just settle down somewhere?"

"You know, Mike. We love to travel the road, see places and meet new
people like yourself. Lots of good people out there."

"For how much longer?" I ask, regretting those words out of mouth.

"Hmm. I am feeling my age and the Misses is sure complaining a lot.
More than usual. But it's like this, Mike. A man has to walk forward in
his life. If he stops, the great adventure ends. Remember that. Keep
putting one foot in front of the other. You can look back, see the
mistakes so you won't be repeating them. Just keep walking forward no
matter what."

I take his words to heart. Mr. Augusten and his wife have been on the
road for a long time. I can imagine the wonderful places they've visited,
their great adventure! Havre is only a temporary stop for them. They'll
keep going, even if it's only in their truck.

We raise our hands in farewell. The old man trudges through the newly
fallen snow until he's lost from sight. I'm entering my trailer while deep
in thought.

Mr. Augusten is a very wise man. The Indians would consider him a
shaman of the White people. Age and experience does that. I start thinking
about me and Jesse. We have something wonderful that I should not let slip
through my fingers. I'm feeling ashamed that I'd considered running away.
I have to walk forward in my life. Jesse alongside me. We'll experience
the great adventure together!

After watching some television to pass the time, I take a shower at
5:40pm. My new underwear and jeans are put on. They feel snug. I don't
even need to wear a belt. I'll bet that my butt shows nicely. Too bad there
isn't a tall mirror in the trailer to look at myself with. I'm running
hands down both sides of myself, feeling over my flat stomach and shapely
butt. My body is more fit than I can remember in a long time. No wonder
Running Water wants me.

I decide on a casual shirt to wear. No need to be formal for Jesse's
mother and I'll feel more comfortable. So that I won't forget, I fetch my
laptop bag from the closet. It's set down by the front door.

I plunk down on the couch to watch some television. The news is mostly
about the unusual winter storms raging over Montana. They're expected to
worsen later tonight.

The clock reads 6:30pm. I'm keeping my ear out for the door but I
expect that Mrs. Winnapah will probably arrive closer to seven. The roads
must be awful now. A quick prayer is offered to keep her safe. I also ask
God to look over Jesse. I'm sure he'll come out of himself when he sees
me. He has to!

I become anxious when it passes seven o'clock. The television is
switched off along with the portable heater in the kitchen. I grab my
winter jacket and put it on. I'm peeking out my door at the thick flurry
of falling snow. Headlights are approaching. I'm grabbing my laptop bag
and step out even though I don't know if it's Mrs. Winnapah's pickup.

It's her! I lock my door and walk to the road. Snow crunches beneath my
gym shoes. I'm careful with my steps so I won't slip. I pull on the door to
her truck but it won't open. The woman reaches over to unlock it. I get in.

"Sorry about that, Mike."

"That's okay. I'm glad that you made it here safely with the storm and
all." I set my laptop bag on the seat between us. My hand brushes against
a warm bag. It smells like roasted chicken. My mouth waters.

Mrs. Winnapah slowly makes her way out of the trailer park. There are
no other vehicles in sight. When she makes the turn, a strong wind gusts
against her truck but she compensates by turning her wheel sharply. I'm
feeling along my chest. No seatbelt. I remember that she's told me it
doesn't work. We're nearing her home anyway.

She plows through her driveway with much slipping and turning. We come
to a stop. Her garage is in the distance. I don't ask her why her pickup
isn't parked inside.

"We've made it," announces Mrs. Winnapah. The engine is shut off.

I see that she's exhausted. I'm grabbing my laptop and the bag of
chicken that will be our dinner tonight. At least she won't have to cook.
We get out and struggle against the fierce wind until entering her house.

In the hallway, I shed my winter jacket and am stomping my feet over the
mat. My laptop bag is dropped in the front room. I follow the woman to the
kitchen with the bag of food.

"I hope that you don't mind," referring to the carry out food. "Do you
like chicken?"

"Yes. It smells good." I gently grasp Mrs. Winnapah's left arm. "Where
is Jesse?" She nods, leading me to the bedrooms in the back of the house.
There are two doors opposite each another. She knocks on the left one.
After waiting a moment, she opens the door and we go in.

It's dark inside. There's a nightlight on the right wall and that's
where Mrs. Winnapah goes. I make out a bed. Jesse appears to be sleeping.

"How are you, honey?" she whispers. Her hand goes to her son's head and
gently strokes his hair. "I've brought Mike home. Come and say hi to him."

I get closer to the bed to greet Jesse. I'm filled with anticipation to
see him that my heart bursts! The woman turns to me with a sad expression.
Then I remember to guard my feelings but she may have caught a glimpse of
my face. I see that Jesse hasn't stirred. There's just enough light to
see his eyes. They're open. Occasional blinks but what worries me is the
blank stare on his face. Anguish fills my heart to see him this way!

"He hides within himself," whispers Mrs. Winnapah. "Sometimes for days."

"When... When did Jesse become sick?" I don't know what other word to
describe it.

"When I came home Thursday. Jesse was sitting on the couch and good
to his promise, the television wasn't on. He asked if you were coming over
for dinner. I told him no, realizing only then that he'd fallen sick again.
That's the last words he spoke."

I'm close to tears. Mrs. Winnapah turns to her son and gently strokes
his cheek. There's no response. When the woman turns to me, I've managed
to get my feelings under control. At least what shows on my face.

"Can I stay with him for a while?" Fear squeezes my heart for asking
but I can't think of any other way to be with Jesse alone to try lifting
him from that place where he hides inside himself.

"I'll set the table."

Mrs. Winnapah passes me and leaves the room. She's kept the door open.
I'm kneeling on the cold floor, my right hand reaching out to touch his
face. "Oh, Jesse. Please wake up! I am here. I've brought over my laptop
for you to play with. Your mom has brought home some roasted chicken to
eat. Aren't you hungry? I am. Please wake up!"

Jesse continues to stare at the ceiling. Tears fill my eyes and I'm
quickly wiping them with my arm in case his mother returns. I look towards
the door. I hear the clinking of dishes from the kitchen. That assures me
that we're alone.

I lean over to Jesse's face and press my lips over his. They feel
cold, like death. I'm gently kissing him while my tears drop. I know that
he's in his head somewhere but how to reach him? Our kiss ends. My breath
trembles when I whisper, "I love you, Jesse. Love you!" No reaction from
him. I glance at the door again.

Something that Jesse has told me pops into my head. It's an unbelievable
thing but I'm willing to try it. I press the left side of my face against
his face, close my eyes and Think of how much I love him. I'm filling my
head with images of how I see him: his warm smile, the longing on his face
that shows his love for me, his soft voice that enchants my ears, our
loving embraces that makes my heart pound, the feel of his warm body next
to mine and how I ache to make love to him! Even the sweet smell of his
underwear. I picture all these sweet things in my head and Will them into
his head.

Footsteps down the hall. I pull from Jesse and quickly wipe my face of
tears. Mrs. Winnapah comes to the door. She stands in darkness but I can
sense her disappointment. I slowly get to my feet and take one last look
at Jesse. He blinks a few times but continues staring into nothingness.

I drag my feet towards the door but my heart is left behind with Jesse.
Mrs. Winnapah turns away. She leads me through the kitchen to the dining
room table. I plunk down in the chair. Stunned.

The three burning candles catch my eyes. I watch their mesmerizing dance.
Mrs. Winnapah bows her head a moment and I do too, pleading unto God.
'Please All Mighty. Awaken my sweet love and I promise never to leave him!'

My eyes return to the candles. I'm staring at them, three burning
spirits like to those in this house: Jesse, his mom and myself. I feel a
deep calm coming to me. It pushes away my anguish, my fear and even hope.


I violently shake my head to try awakening as if from a dream. I'm still
feeling stunned, without emotion or thought. Like a sleeping stone. Breath
fills my lungs and my eyes focus. Mrs. Winnapah stares at me in a peculiar
way then gestures at the spread of food. I'm not feeling hungry. She's
waiting for me so I reach for a drumstick.

Dinner proves to be difficult. Mrs. Winnapah doesn't speak a word but
she's often glancing at me. Does she realize that I've fallen in love with
her son?

I force myself to eat. The chicken is good along with the sides she's
purchased: coleslaw, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes. They remind me
of the food you can get from Kentucky Fried Chicken. I remember my dad
taking us there to eat.

"Are you done eating?" Mrs. Winnapah asks.

I'm nodding my head. The woman sighs, turning towards the back of the
house with a worried look on her face.

My stomach feels very full. Concern comes to me about Jesse. "Are you
able to get him to eat when he's... sick?"

"Sometimes. He likes chocolate pudding. I spoon some into his mouth and
he'll eat. Sips of water, too. His uncle has been coming over to check on
him while I'm at work."

I'm glad. He's a rather thin kid... no. A man. But he needs to grow up
some more inside.


I look at Mrs. Winnapah and fear what she's about to say.

"You're very taken by my son. I appreciate your concern but he'll snap
out of it."

The candles catch my eyes again. I watch their soothing dance and feel
a withdrawing into myself.

"You said that you used to be like Jesse? When you were young?"

I can barely hear her voice. It takes effort, but I return to the Now.
What was her question? Ah, yes. Was I like Jesse when I was young. A deep
breath fills my lungs before answering, "Yes. I know why your son does it.
He escapes being hurt by withdrawing into that safe place deep inside him."

"Do you still do that sometimes?" she asks softly.

I see the concern in her eyes. "I've found escape by working on my
computer. It's taken over my life though. That's why I'm on extended
leave from my job. To see the world where things are real. To meet new
people. I want to try living my life." The woman nods with understanding.

"Life hasn't been easy for Jesse. His father..."

"I know. He's told me what happened." I'm hoping to spare her having to
explain what must be a very painful subject for her.

"He's told you?" gasps Mrs. Winnapah.

"My parents also divorced. I'd thought I was to blame but later, I came
to realize that things like that happen sometimes." I become daring. "It
hurt Jesse to see your husband abuse you. And getting the blame for it."

Mrs. Winnapah stares down at her plate. She tries composing herself.
"You've missed your calling in life, Mike. You should have been a Healer."

Guilt fills me. My love for Jesse was what had brought him out of his
shell. At least in front of me. I notice his mother's intense eyes. Has my
face given myself away? I have to say something to divert her attention.
"I think it's my fault that Jesse is sick."

Before she can ask, I explain that to her. "He had come over to my
place after school on Thursday. Classes ended early because of in-service.
He came to see me after being dropped off by Singing Hawk. We got to
talking. That's when he told me about his dad.

"He cried. That was difficult for both of us. Then I asked him if you
had given permission for him to come over. When I realized that you didn't
and his uncle who was to pick him up from school would become worried by
not finding him at home, I sent Jesse away. That's why he is sick. I
should of let him stay with me! I'm sorry."

Mrs. Winnapah gets up from her chair. She grasps my shoulder.

"You are the most caring... person I've ever met, Mike."

I think she was going to say 'white' person but had swallowed that word.
I'm feeling tears in my eyes. The woman stares at me so I can't hide them
from her.

"You two have become like brothers," whispers Mrs. Winnapah.

I nod my head. I'm wiping my wet face with my arm. She starts clearing
the table while I just sit there staring at the burning candles. I look
at the empty chair where Jesse would sit. I'm feeling lost without him.

The food has been left on the table. His mother's hope that Jesse will
eat later? I don't know, but I'm hoping so. The chicken smells very good.
I hear voices in the kitchen. I'm rushing from my chair to see if it's him.

Mrs. Winnapah is hugging Jesse. Such relief fills me that I'm running
to him, grasping his arm and almost, I forget to hide my love eyes.

"Hello, Mike."


They separate and I see how happy his mother is. "We've saved you some
chicken. Come. Let's eat!" Jesse eagerly follows me to the dining room.
Mrs. Winnapah brings two plates. We finish off what's left of the food and
both of us exchange secret glances. His mother just sits at the table.
She's beaming.

We go into the front room while his mother clears the table. I get my
laptop out. Jesse drops to the couch. He looks kind of tired so I let him
play the Hover game. Teaching him MS-Word will be for another day.

Jesse gets through the first two levels quickly. I can see that he's
memorized the mazes so finding the randomly placed flags is easy for him.
He manages to get past level three. The computer cars find their flags
before he does on level four. The game ends.

I squeeze Jesse's shoulder to console him. He doesn't start the game
again but turns to me with his seeking eyes. "I'm sorry about Thursday!"
I blurt out.

"We wouldn't have gotten into trouble," he whispers.

I see Jesse looking out for his mother. I'm leaning closer to him and
steal a kiss when he looks back at me. He responds. Passionately! Our lips
press together nicely. My heart soars. All my worry and pain goes away. He
loves me! That's all that matters right now.

I gently withdraw from our kissing. We both turn to look for his mom.
Jesse releases a weary sigh. I smile. He turns to the laptop's screen and
gets the Hover game running again. My arm reaches around him. We shouldn't
kiss anymore but I'm really needing to hold him.

He manages to pass level four. That's further than I've ever gotten in
that game and I tell him so. He gives me the laptop at the end of his game.
I'm shown where to look for flags and to look out for floor traps. He knows
which balloons I should pop to grant me immunity from them.

Jesse holds me. I think that would look better than if I were holding
him when his mom comes into the room. At that moment, she does. I offer my
place on the couch to her but she declines, dropping into a chair on our
left. She picks up the remote control. The television turns on with a
weather warning. High winds have downed power lines. The snowfall is
expected to become heavy.

Mrs. Winnapah often glances at us. I'm trying to read her face whenever
the game pauses to load in the next level. She seems to be happy; relieved.

My laptop is given to Jesse when I grow tired of Hover. He plays
Solitaire. After giving him a quick review of the rules, his finger darts
over the glide pad. I point out a few card moves he doesn't see. His mother
leaves the room.

I'm startled when Jesse gives me a kiss. It's sweet, but brief. I see
such longing in his face for me. That makes me feel guilty though. I had
seen that same endearing emotion on Running Water's face when he...

Jesse gasps. "My uncle likes you?"

A cold chill goes down my spine. I glare at Jesse for two reasons:
that he knows what had happened between Runner Water and me, and how he
has learned that. "Jesse. How can you know what I'm thinking?"

"I'll tell you if you'll tell me about my uncle being with you."

I'm afraid to. Jesse's eyes return to the screen. He makes another
card move before speaking again.

"My grandfather has told me that I'm special. I can sometimes See
what's in someone's head. Especially when I'm touching them. Your thoughts
are very strong and, I think that I can feel you and hear you because we
love each other so much."

Jesse makes another card move before he turns to me with pleading eyes.
It's my turn to confess. I look for his mother and am disappointed that
she's not here. He squeezes my shoulder really hard.

"I won't be angry with you, Mike. Just tell me."

"Can't you see what happened by looking in my head?" My words may have
been a bit too strong.

"Please, Mike. I want to hear you tell me."

"Alright." I take a deep breath. "Running Water came over Thursday
evening to drive me to class. He saw me naked after my shower. Touched my
butt." I glance at Jesse. He reveals no emotions on his face. Well, maybe
a little worry.

"He drove me home after class. In the kitchen, he revealed that he likes
me. He took off his clothes. I couldn't help but look at him. He undressed
me and I felt like I was in his power. He held me."

In a small voice, "Did you have sex with him?"

"He did but I didn't come out from my dick. I swear it!" Jesse nods.

"You are telling the truth, Mike. I can feel it."

The bad feelings about what his uncle has done to me fills my head. It
makes my heart ache, especially because I feel that I've betrayed our love.

"You didn't, Mike."

I stare at Jesse. "You really do know what I'm thinking."

"Yes. I'm not suppose to tell anyone because it would frighten them.
That's what my grandfather has warned me."

"Who else knows?" I ask in a trembling voice.

"My mom and Running Water."

Jesse stares at the screen. He moves a few more cards around. I study
his face intently. He's not showing anger but simply concentrates on the
game. I'm unsettled that he has this psychic power. I wonder what else he
can do?

Something Running Water said comes to mind. I have to tell Jesse!
"I know why your uncle thinks I'm meant for him." He pauses the game and
gives me his full attention. I'm about to speak but he does first.

"It's because of Ron's ring," says Jesse.

I'm nodding my head. "His grandfather told him that my dream meant I'd
be following in Ron's footsteps. That's why his ghost showed me where to
find his ring. But they're wrong! I'm not ever going be with your uncle. I
told him so." I hold up my right hand to show Jesse.

"You aren't wearing it."

"No. I gave it back to your uncle." Jesse's eyes have that far away
look in them.

"We will follow in their footsteps. Those rings should come to us."

A cold chill goes through me. "Did your grandfather tell you that?"
Jesse's eyes return to me.

"No. But it just feels right."

"Are you going to be a shaman, Jesse?"

"My grandfather said I would when I'm grown up. I'll try to serve my
People like he has."

Mrs. Winnapah enters the room with a tray. She notices Jesse's arm
around me but he doesn't try to pull it away.

"I hope you like this, Mike."

The tray is set down on the coffee table. It's fried bread smothered
in honey.

"This is what our People eat for dessert."

"It looks good, Mrs. Winnapah."

"Please call me Winna. Ah. I wanted to mention this before to you.
Winnapah is my first name."

"I didn't know. Sorry."

The woman smiles. "I signed up for your class using that name so you
couldn't have known."

Jesse has already taken a piece of bread. He's been smiling during our
conversation. I see Winna looking at the tray so I take a piece. It tastes
good, kind of like eating pancakes.

I take another piece. Jesse is already on his second and he wipes honey
from his mouth that erupts with a yawn.

"It's getting late." She looks at Jesse with a mother's Look that says
it is time for bed.

"But mom! I'm not that tired. There's no school tomorrow and, I want to
work on Mike's laptop some more. He's going to show me how to use MS-Word."

Jesse turns to me for help. "The weather out there is pretty bad, Mrs.
Winnapah. Remember when we drove here? It's probably gotten even worse so...
Can I stay here tonight?

I see her considering it. "Please, Winna." I glance at her son who is
excitedly nodding his head.

"Okay, Mike."

"We can get you blankets and a pillow," says Jesse. "It will be like
having a sleep over!"

"Kind of," I whisper. "You have a bed, Jesse. I'm going to be sleeping
here on the floor." I've said that so his mom won't get suspicious.

Jesse must have caught my hint. He reaches for the last piece of fried
bread with nothing readable on his face. Winna takes the tray away.

I grab the laptop Jesse had set aside and lift its screen up. I'm
exiting Solitaire. Word is brought up and I ask him a few things to see
what functions he already knows and what to teach him. His mom returns
with three blankets and a pillow.

"Thank you, Winna. You'll get your turn on my laptop tomorrow." The
woman nods. She sits down in her chair and changes the channel to watch a
movie. I focus my attention on the computer's screen.

My laptop is handed over to Jesse. I'll show him some advanced functions
that will come up in Monday's class. I ask him to type out a few sentences,
something about the snow storm. He's slowly plucking the keys with his two
fingers. I demonstrate the Find function. He gets it. Then I show him how
to Find and Replace text.

Jesse glances at his mom. She seems absorbed by the movie on T.V. His
fingers type out another sentence even though I didn't ask him to. I'm
smiling to myself. On the screen, it says: 'Are you afraid of the dark'. I
reach my hands over to the keyboard and type: 'No. But back at my trailer,
there is a ghost named Ron. He scares me.'

Jesse types, 'You shouldnt be'.

I avoid the subject by typing, 'An apostrophe goes between the letters
n and t to make the word: shouldn't and end your sentences with a period."

Jesse takes a while to read the screen. He peers at me. I see his face
light up when he plucks out three words. I'm given a longing gaze. I
answer him with those same three tender words. I'm saving this document to
the hard drive so that I'll have our declaration of love for always.

I exit Word and shut down my laptop, placing it on the coffee table.
Jesse snuggles closer to me. His right arm comes to my shoulder. I'm
squeezing his thigh when his mother isn't looking. This is a very happy
moment in our lives. Almost, we can be together as a loving couple with
his mom in the same room.

The movie Winna is watching ends. It's a b&w classic: The African Queen.
I've seen it many times before. It ends with the couple (married by the
ship's German captain granting Humphrey Bogart's last quest before they
were to hang) swimming away from the sinking ship to freedom as man and
wife. Jesse fondly squeezes my shoulder.

The television is clicked off. Winna gets up from her chair and turns
to Jesse.

"Okay. Time for bed. You'll see Mike in the morning."

"Good night, Mike. I hope you sleep well..." Jesse says with a sly grin.

I catch his hint. It sends an exciting tremor through me. I'm unfolding
the blankets; two are placed on the floor so it won't feel so hard against
my back. Winna leaves the room with her yawning son in tow. She switches
off the light.

It becomes very dark in the room. There's a faint glow coming down the
hall from the kitchen. I suppose she's left that on for me. Not enough to
disturb my sleep. A yawn fills my mouth. I'm sitting over my bed to pull
my shoes off. Then my pants. My shirt comes off next. I usually sleep in
the nude but tonight I'll keep my underwear on.

The blanket is pulled over me. I've managed to sleep over in Jesse's
house tonight but I'd have preferred staying in his room to be with him.
A smiles comes to my lips. I remember what he said about me 'sleeping well'
and his sly grin. That was a hint! If so, I'll probably not sleep a wink
this night.

My body settles over the two blankets beneath me. I can still feel the
floor against my back but it's not that bad. I'm listening to the wind
howling outside. A clock is ticking somewhere. It's a soothing sound that
reminds me of my apartment back in Indianapolis. I realize how far I've
come. Not so much in distance but in acknowledging my gay self, to find
happiness with Jesse. I am finally living my life.

I've stumbled some when giving into the temptation of having sex with
Running Water. He has a nice body. I can't believe that my cock had stuck
in his butt! Then I'm remembering that his had almost stuck in mine. Guilt
fills me. I wanted him. He came out from his cock but I didn't. That makes
me feel a little better. I'd only want to do that with Jesse when we're
ready to be a couple.

I'm yawning more often. My eyes close but I won't allow myself to fall
sleep. My troubling thoughts about Running Water are pushed aside. I think
about being with Jesse. How his slim body would feel in my arms, us kissing
and nice things like that. The wind is really howling. Like my hungry heart.

I'm shaken awake. It's dark, and I don't know where I am.


In a rush, I remember! My blanket lifts so that Jesse can scoot in with
me. His arms come around my back. I bring his body closer to mine. He feels
so cold! My hands try warming him up.

"I stood a long time listening to you snoring," Jesse explains.

"Silly! I was waiting for you."


"What about your mom?" I whisper.

"She's asleep. I listened for a while at her door until I was sure.
Then I heard you snoring too but I didn't know if I should wake you."

"I'm glad you did." My heart bursts that we are together! I'm feeling
very happy. He's shivering but I don't think it's just from being cold.
My hands wander down Jesse's back. I touch upon the elastic band to his
underwear but don't reach any lower. His cold feet press onto mine.

Jesse's long arms tighten around my back. I enjoy the feel of his body,
so slim in my arms like a boy's shape. I'm feeling his erection through
his underwear that's pressed against my hard cock. His chest is against
mine, his erect nipples sticking into me. When he takes a breath, his
tummy expands. An exhale. I breathe him in. I'm really loving him! Yet I
question whether we should dare being together tonight. What that might
lead to. I fear his mom catching us and there's no way to explain that away.

"She's sleeping," assures Jesse. "We can finally be together and..."

"I want to hold you, Jesse. Maybe nothing more than that. Okay?" His
arms give me an angry squeeze. My breath is forced out of me so I spank
his butt. He giggles.

We face each other in the dark. How I wish that I could see his eyes!
I'm feeling the strong urge to make love to him but I worry about getting
caught. And if we're even ready to. Running Water comes to mind. He and I
had sex but there's nothing in my heart for him. Jesse has taken mine.
Completely. I really love him but it feels different somehow; not an adult
attraction. His uncle is a man both physically and by how he acts. He can
support himself. Jesse is more like a kid brother to me, needing protection
and to be looked after. I don't want to take advantage of his innocence.


"Yes," I breathe. Jesse doesn't speak for a long moment.

"I'm feeling that you are troubled. How you think of me as being too
young to love."

I swallow nervously in my throat. It's difficult knowing that Jesse can
see inside my head but he's voiced my greatest concern. Is he really old
enough to be my lover?

"I'm only two years younger than you, Mike. I know that I don't act
grown up but I'll try to, with your help. I love you so much! I know what
I'm doing and I really want you."

"I want you too, Jesse! I do love you." Tears sting my eyes. "But can
we be a couple like Ron was with your uncle?"

"We can try to this night. Give me a chance! And in the morning, if you
still feel that I'm too young then we'll forget what happened."

Jesse is being very mature by saying that. It proves that he's ready
to love me in an adult way like what I'd felt in his uncle's arms. I make
a decision.

With my left hand, I pull the blanket over our heads. Jesse's face
comes really close. I'm feeling his breaths. His nose touches mine, turns,
and our lips press together. We kiss. Gently. Almost as if we're afraid of
waking his mom.

Jesse pauses from our kissing to take breaths. My lips roam over his
face - his big nose, soft cheeks and lift to his forehead. I've also been
smelling him. He has a clean lime scent that turns flowery when I kiss his
hair. He's kissing my neck. That tickles me!

Our lips rush to meet again. We're kissing frantically but I'm needing
to do more! My tongue shyly explores his mouth until it finds his tongue.
A shiver goes through Jesse. He sticks his tongue in my mouth. I'm sucking
on it until he takes his turn with my tongue. We're gasping for breath. Our
hands have been exploring each other.

When I'm touching Jesse's butt, I feel its humping. His dick has been
rubbing against mine. I realize that will get him to explode like in our
last embrace. Another wet pair of underwear! I pull them down in a rush.
He's pulling mine down. Our bellies come back together with the meeting of
stiff male heat. Thrusting. It feels so good.

Jesse cries out. I feel his release against me and try getting my cock
to shoot. That proves difficult. I've only had sex with myself and in a way
that's unusual from how other guys get off.

I'm trying to have sex with Jesse. My face is buried in his neck. His
long hair tickles my nose. I'm pulling over his butt, rubbing my cock over
his but the sensation is too slippery. It feels good though. I just can't
reach that thrilling point where I'll cum.

"Let me get on top," Jesse suggests.

I help lift his slim body over mine. He grasps my shoulders, pulling
over them when making slippery stabs against my cock. I feel my butt
flexing against the blanket below. I'm holding his butt. It feels nice
and sexy! My fingers slip between his crack when I get the urge to touch
his hole. His legs spread. I'm rubbing over it, feeling really turned on
and I wonder what it would be like to fuck him.

We are kissing passionately. Lots of wild tonguing. I'm drinking in
Jesse's love and can't get enough of him! He stabs his dick against me. I
meet his downward thrusts over my cock. There's a sinking feeling in my
stomach that I'm not going to be able to win this battle though.

I've been sticking a finger in Jesse's asshole. He moans against my
left ear. I feel his slimy tightness, the bodily heat around my finger that
has penetrated into his butt up to my knuckle. It really excites him. His
whole body quivers as if feeling an electric shock. Would I be able to
come out by fucking him? I'd think he'd let me.

Jesse makes a few harsh stabs against me and cries out. He's managed
to do it again. I'm glad. Such need in him to come out but I can't. That's
not important. We have expressed love with our bodies, experienced that
joy and I am not regretting it. I'll try to find release the next time
that we're together. Maybe if we have sex in my trailer, I will feel more
comfortable. His mother won't be around to catch us in the act.

I slow my heated body. No more thrusts since I've given up trying to
cum. I'm feeling disappointment; really embarrassed. Does Jesse realize
that I haven't done it?

We hold each other and rest. Jesse's breaths become slow and even.
His arms no longer clutch me that tightly and I suspect he is going to
sleep. I've been enduring his weight on top of me. Kind of hard for me to
breathe so I gently lower him to his side next to me. The smell of cum is
strong under our blanket. I pull it down to our shoulders, breathing in
the cool fresh air.

I listen to the clock ticking. Jesse's breaths blow gently against my
face. My heart bursts for him and I want to squeeze him in my arms but fear
that would awaken him. I'm feeling content.

It's hard staying awake. I want to keep holding Jesse but he should be
getting back to his room. But not yet. I don't want this moment to end.

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